rachO like whOa

Wed, 26 Jan 2005 19:59:24 GMT

i remember
we were in a place for so long
that no one should be
not even u
i remember in that place
i loved
i loved u more than lovers had ever loved long beofre my time
i remember
i would touch your face while you were sleeping
i would touch your face and close my eyes so that when u were gone
i would remember every line and curve
i would be able to remember so good that
i could make belive when i closed my eyes again
you were there
i knew you would be gone

now your gone

i connot remember your face

i loved

Thu, 13 Jan 2005 20:26:35 GMT

....this magic moment....

Tue, 14 Dec 2004 19:39:36 GMT

i woke up at 7:22 this morning n i had to leave the house by 7:35. i am so bumming it today but im still in a good mood.

i called eddy this morning while i was on my break from class.
when he told me to give him a call sometime in an email he replied to,
i never really thought i would.
i wonder if he thought the same thing n thats why he told me to call...
and i thought about that before i called...
but i went ahead n called anyways.
i left a message.

i miss eddy...not like in a 'boyfriend' way but in a 'person' kinda way

i left a comment to one of wes' journal entries today also
i miss wesly
very much
i think wes is cool
like a cool guy
: )
a reealll cool guy
seriously i think he is like the silly/funniest n greatest person i have ever met
and now he will know

well, i met someone...
a friend....
his name is alex
i like the way he talks
its real nice
he lives far but
i like him
sometimes i call him just to hear him speak
is this wierd?
or wrong?

i need to make a change in my life and a big one.
to me, i have done things right since kenneth was born
but now i just have this one issue n its simple for me to fix but it might give me problems later
i pray god gives me a sign really soon on the right thing to do
because now this problem is just getting on my nerves
everyday on my nerves

why does history repeat itself
i know its my fault
it has to be
there is no one else left to blame
why cant i learn
other people:
pain = you learn and never again
but for me:
pain = lets do it the exact same way next time around

everytime i think about calling evan its too late or too early
i hope hes not mad at me
i will call you ok evan 286~!~!~!

i will be 20
20 years old...
i dont want to be 20 years old
not at all

we decided we are going to try to go to disney n california adventure for christmas
i am excited
yeahhh boy

<3
<3

*~rkrl~*

Tue, 14 Dec 2004 18:13:50 GMT

You Are the Reformer

1

You're a responsible person - with a clear sense of right and wrong.

High standards are important to you, and you do everything to meet them.

You are your own worst critic, feeling ashamed if you're not perfect.

You have the highest integrity, and people expect you to be fair.

What number are you?

Long time no see!

Sun, 21 Nov 2004 21:31:58 GMT

Lucky. Nicole. Lopez. Born: October 28, 2004 i wish i could see everyone just one more time. i wish i could see them for just one night and everything would be alright...forget about the past...forget that we arent even friends anymore...i miss so many things and so many of you...maybe im just holding on...holding on to a past too far gone. im teaching my son to dance. watch out now.... :} <3 <3

Mon, 29 Sep 2003 02:38:01 GMT

my fiance is in jail
and im so far away from home
alone
well not really alone
kenneth is here
but i need someone and they arent here
no one is here
why did i decide to come out here? i have no clue
maybe deep down inside i thought i needed a break
a break from a person i hate to love...love to hate...
whatever
but yeah mayeb i thought i needed to get away from him and needed to get kenneth away from him
but now look
look what happens when i leave
and ive only been gone for a month
he gets sent to jail
for something stupid
and now my apartment that he was living in is gone
and i told him he could sell my tv and my playstation if he needed money
so now thats gone too
i feel bad for him
a year is a long time
i feel like i need to go back to LA
but i dont know what i can do for him if i do
im lost...again
why does my life always have to be such drama
why cant it just be normal
i guess i just make it that way

yeah so LJ is way different now....i havent updated in like 4 or 5 months i think

my baby was born on july 21 2003
7 lbs
7 oz
21 inches long
hes so cute
n im not juss saying that cuz im his mom....
:)

my battery is dying on my computer...

<3
<3

<3<3<3<3

Thu, 17 Apr 2003 18:44:53 GMT

Here is my horoscope
for Wednesday, April 16:

Recognize what lies beyond your reach. Build your skills to take you there. By the time you're ready to pursue this goal, an even better option might present itself.

-----------------------------------------------------------

I'm engaged.

..........I AM ENGAGED!

I am in love and happy.
and God has been listening to my prayers.

I am going to clear up my problems with the court so I can get my license this month.
Randy wants to move in with me after the baby is born but I dont think that is such a good idea.
I think taking things much slower this time to see if he really means what he says is best.
It's what I should have done in the first place.
I think Randy and I will go pick out a ring next Wednesday or Thursday in the Valley.
I missed some school this week but now passover break is here.
I forget what day we go back on... but I know its sometime next week.

I'm bored....no school and I'm bored....

<3
<3

Fri, 11 Apr 2003 17:29:25 GMT

I am in class right now. Were learning how to take blood pressures and all that stuff. Next I think were gonna learn how to give shots. Its so cool in here- my teacher is great and plus we get to wear those white jackets that the doctors wear in the offices.
Today were gonna have a party. The class next door is ordering pizza and our class has pot luck for passover. We get the whole week off next week because passover. I have never heard of that...but hey as long as I get a chance to miss school, right? :)

Well my new place is great. I have been so busy shopping for things for the apartment this past week. My mother-in-law took me to annas linnens and bought me the cutest red and black bathroom set.
There are some cool ass girls in my building. I always go over to this girl named erika's house. She has a little girl named haley.
I have my first apartment of my very own.
and my fisrt very own phone number.
my first very own bed.
my first very own everything!!
Im excited!!

yey!

Anyways, I talked to my dad and my step mom. She bought some clothes and things for my baby and she is going to fedex them to me this week. She told me she got him this little teddy bear that is holding a bat and when you press its foot he sings "take me out to the ball game."

I am getting my car in July/August.
My very first car.
I want an altima
but we'll see....

I told randy about our baby....
since he didnt know.
he was mad at first
but then he was thinking of names and touching my stomach to feel the baby kicking.
he stayed with me all night
and talked about the baby with me
I juss pray god that he comes around and sees...
he has to get his life together and that there are people that really love him and want to help him...
people that want to love him
and people that want him to accept their love
and help
i juss have to pray to god....

I bought my baby a yellow outfit with a little monkey on it at old navy.
his first monkee!
:)

well my instructor is back and our break is over

<3
<3

Fri, 28 Mar 2003 01:28:19 GMT

im so glad that god helped me durring this past month.
i cant explain it but he has been with me this month
and he probably saved me from commiting to the worst decision i could make
again....

so, its a boy.
july 22nd hes coming.
i will name him randy louis lopez jr. unless when he arrives i get a urge to name him something else when i actually see him for the first time,
but randy louis lopez jr. is what im planning for.
i like zion, jacob or xavier but who knows.

i emailed my dad and told him but he hasnt written me back yet because he doesnt go online much anymore.
i think i should just call him.

i miss him
a lot

my nursing training starts in may
then in june i get to actually work as a nurse
but i have to do 3 months of training before i get my certificate.
i am wondering if thats paid training....
i will ask on tuesday.

i met a black girl on the bus today
she wanted to know what i was listening to...
then we conversated from there
we talked about my baby
and school
she said she wanted to major in music and work in the record studio
she said music was her life
...explains why she wanted to know what i was listening to...
she was pretty cool
hopefully i see her again...
she goes to my school.

its been a while since i have went to be with god
i think i will go to church this sunday

for some reason i dont like randy anymore
i love him so much
but i dont like him
im not sure if thats possible but...
he gets on my nerves

hopefully i will get my new place in april-
around the middle of the month if everything runs smoothly.
im excited.
i need to buy a new bed,
and some lamps
i already have a baby bed
and they are going to give me a car seat when the baby is born.
i need silver ware and bowls and stuff like that.

i wish i had someone to share all the happy moments of this baby with...
vanessa is in el salvador.
she is supposably coming back next week,
but we'll see...
shes the only one i have
besides my dad
but hes not here.
i miss vanessa.

after the baby is born i am looking forward to making randy want me so bad... i know it might not sound right but
i want him to see me and how pretty i look-
how much better and prettier i look when im NOT with him...
and how going to the gym has paid off,
and i want him to see my new car,
and my own apartment,
my good job,
but most of all i want him to see his new baby and be so proud of me that he will come crawling back
but still...
right now i dont like him
he makes me sick
maybe its just a part of being pregnant
but anyways,
i have faith that something really soon is going to happen in his life that is going to make him change for the better
something so big is going to happen to him that he is going to realize...
i think he needs to find god again
he used to be with god like his brother is but...
now he is having too much fun
and his cousin....
his cousin is making him stay at a stand still because he is such a looser...
such a looser.
but sooner or later he will see that his cousins life is headed no where fast and so is his if he keeps hanging out with him.

i need a pager battery.
:(

<3
<3

i AM depressed.... and there is no way of denying it!!!

Wed, 05 Mar 2003 20:09:07 GMT

Your Heart is Blue

What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

Wed, 05 Mar 2003 19:35:01 GMT

i think that no matter what i do durring my whole day it never leaves me satisfied
i go to sleep wanting a little more than what i got out of the day than i should
its something like if i won a million dollars, bought my parents a mansion, solved the worlds hunger problems and found a cure for cancer all in one day i would lay down at night and still want something else...still want something that is mine
i am not happy with what i have even though i know i should be
why cant i look at the brighter side of things in the right way?
i think my views on life have been so affected by the people i choose to be around that i dont even know what to think anymore
i dont exactlt know right from wrong
i dont exactly know how to make a decision that is right for me
or for someone else for that matter
i dont want to be 90 years old, about to die and look back on my life and be sorry about anything
i dont want to feel that any choice i have made so far will affect me in the future
i am so worried that the things i do right now in my life are so important and the choices are so important that if i make a mistake or do something wrong that i will be in sorrow for the rest of my life
i am worried that something might seem like a good choice right now but i might not think so later in my life
i am so stressed out and mad at myself because i feel that any choice i make right now is going to shape the whole rest of my life and i dont know if its going to end up good or bad
i want my life to end up good
i want to end up happy
even if i am so so sad now
i just want this pain to be all...for the rest of my life...because gods knows ive had enough of it to last that long
i want to be a happy mom and wife
i want to have a really really nice house and lots of clothes
i want to have 2 dogs
and some fishes
i never want to have to morgage my home
i want to own stocks and bonds
and have a checking account
i want to have a retirement plan
and never have to worry about being hungry or having money ever in my whole life
i want my kids to go to college and be proffesors or become the presedent of the united states for gods sake!
i want a husband who loves me
who will never need anyone else but me
who will be a good dad
and want all these things that i want
but what if i ruin those chances now?
what if one decision i make now prevents me from doing and becoming these things
like, what if i am suppost to turn right but i go left
or what if im suppost to say yes but i say no
wtf
why cant i have a map
so i know where to go
and who to turn to
why didnt god send me to earth with a little map of life so that whenever i get lost i can find my way again
or if i really wanted to i could see whats at the end of the roads and find out if i should even follow them
i wonder if anyone understands what im trying to say
i think im trippin on this and getting way too deep but shit-
im so fuckin lost right now
i need something to happen in my life
like a sign
something big
so that i know which way to go from here
i have come to the conclusion that i have to try to not be alone with nothing to do as much as possible-
i think way to much
wayy too much
and i drive myself into a depression with my thoughts

i want things a certain way with randy so bad
and i have him but its not there all the way
hes not my boyfriend
and sometimes i think i want him to be but sometimes i know i cant go back to him cuz my life will be nothing but pain forever more

i quit my job and now i need another one
i missed my microbiology class for a 3 weeks straight and im so lost in there now that i dont even know if i should go back
i dont have any of my old friends anymore
and i want the new ones to be like the old ones
i dont know what my dad is going to think of me
i havent told him about something yet
i did have a lot of money saved and now its dissapearing
i need to find a new place

my problems are on my mind 24/7 and i need to get away from them
i remember what i used to do to get away from the problems...
i used to go to the rave
go to the rave and do drugs.....
i used to...
go to the rave...

wtf
do i want to go back there?
why...
maybe because it was fun
a fucked up sort of fun....

but nah....fuck that
and fuck all those memories!!

<3
<3

ho humm....

Mon, 03 Mar 2003 20:14:04 GMT

today i am at school...
i missed a few days there
more like a week
which is not good
very not good
i am wearing a white shirt that says love on it in pink letters
i feel like a little girl
like a high school girl
i think its because of the shirt
my stomach is getting bigger
ugh
things arent going good
not good at all

i have to do something i dont want to do
and i think i just might kill myself for it
i need god to help me
and forgive me

randy is back
back in my life
and he is proving to me each and every day
that he really loves me
in his way
a way probably no other girl would understand and appreciate
but its his way
and this time i see he is really trying
i think he is serious

i am really hungry and i have no money
i did have money in the morning but i ate
i ate
and im hungry some more

tomorrow is going to be a bad day
i hope no one asks me about my baby after tomorrow
i just might start to cry
and I'll loose it
after my bad tomorrow
i think it will be very hard for me to find a reason to be alive

i wish i had some friends
but i have none
i never had any
and i will never have any
i wish i had a friend who knows what this is like
who knows what my everyday is like
who knows what tomorrow is going to be like
a friend to give me a hug tomorrow
a real hug that means they know how it is
a hug that makes you feel like it will all be ok
because tomorrow that is what i will need

i need some prayers too...
oh man i need god

i am depress and i need god.

yes....

thats it.

<3
<3

Wed, 12 Feb 2003 20:16:33 GMT

My horoscope for today is:
You've used up all of your excuses. It's a relief to know that you're finally limited to one true choice. Stop running and start making things run. You'll wonder why you didn't begin sooner.
---------------------------------------------

i called randy on friday after him paging me the day before...
after i promised myself i wouldnt,
i went to see him
and i stayed there
and my friends left to TJ without me

on monday while i was in class randy paged me
and i went over there again
and i stayed there again

will someone PLEEEASE......
someone please just shoot me!!!

....he says he loves me and that i will be his wife
only god knows how much i want that
for some reason
deep inside me
i believe him
but i dont think i should
i know i shouldnt

but how perfect those 2 days were...
i held him
and he held me
we laughed
and kissed
and everything was the same for a moment in time
we both told eachother we could have stayed lieing there holding eachother forever
...and i wanted to so much

i touched his face again...
it seemed like an hour
that i went over it with my fingers
and studdied it
i closed my eyes and felt every curve
so that next time i need it
i can remember exactly what it felt like

how can someone need something so simple and so unimportant that seemed to be so familiar but has somehow gotten lost in your memory
as the way their face feels
thier beautiful smile
their laugh
the way they smell
and their walk...
just the knowledge that they are there.....next to you

how can i need those things so much that life seems that it wont go on for me

im lost
and i cant find my way out

i knew i shouldnt have let myself fall in...

<3
<3

Fri, 07 Feb 2003 19:43:44 GMT

my horoscope for today was:
At last you see an opportunity that actually means something to you. You and your brethren rejoice. Commitment is the easiest thing in the world when it's personal.

sometimes i have a hard time relating these horoscopes thinggys to my life...maybe because i dont fully understand them
or maybe because i apply them to my life they way i want them to be applied not the way they are intended...

on monday i met this guy i thought was really cute at the basketball court on lemongrove.
and i didnt think it was a big deal.
on tuesday he asked my friends about where i was when they showed up to the court without me-
i still didnt think it was a big deal.
then yesterday he called my friend and asked if we needed a ride to the court
and told her he wanted to see me.
i was like whoa.
so he came to pick us up and then we went to drop some peole off and pick someother people up...we went to a kick back and were having fun...
for some reason in the middle of it all i decided to check my voicemail...

randy left me two messages

he wanted me to come over...

after all the shit...why the fuck?
i am just getting over him
-well, i try and make myself think i am-
and i finally get the guts to not call HIM or page HIM or go see HIM
and HE calles ME
i dont know what the fuck is going on
he doesnt want me
but he does
and i dont want him
but i do...
i know i shouldnt go over there
but i want to
im not going to go over there
but i want to

i wonder...
if i just let my self fall in
one more time
if all the pain and all the want for him
will be gone
because maybe that one last time will give me the satisfaction of having the memory of his touch in my mind prolonged for just one more day...
just one more day to help me make it thru this life...
maybe i just need one more day with him
to get over him
and then everything will be ok
because i never said goodbye
and i know i dont need to
my heart wants to
and it drives me crazy
because i think of him every second of everyday...
every minuet that i am alive.
i wake up and i find my chest so heavy
that i cant barely breathe
and i wonder if this is how its suppost to feel...
is this love
or loss

it was never good for me to love him...

and i dont know where to go from here
or what to say-
how to act or what to do...
and i need someone who understands
but i dont think anyone does

maybe
he does....

<3
<3

man....fuk all ya'll.......

Thu, 06 Feb 2003 22:57:48 GMT

i am going to be blunt about more than a few things and if you dont fuckin like it dont read my journal....

my friend that i live with and i got into an arguement this morning...
she wonders why i even want to talk to eddy, read his journal, or wonder how him aaron wesly or heather are doing or anyone else for that matter
she knows pratically the whole story and everything and thinks that i shouldnt give a flying fuck about any of them and just move on with my life and do my own shit....
you know what, she is right
and so is aaron
i said my "im sorry" to eddy
-and i did fucking mean it or else
believe me i wouldnt have taken my sweet time to write the shit-
i told aaron i didnt take his huka...
and i didnt
and i am talking to him and wes here and there again
and in my eyes i didnt do anything else to them that i am aware of and if i did i would surly apologize for it
and does anyone know why?
because i grew the fuck up and realize my mistakes and i am sorry for them
i aplogized and there is nothing else i can do...
abosolutely nothing
so yes
my friend is right... time to move the fuck on
i am glad that i am talking to wes and aaron because they are really cool people
and in my eyes they are worth talking to
...if someone said that about me i would be pretty fukin imperssed....pretty fukin flattered
....if someone cared that much about me to wonder simply how i was doing after a whole year i dissapeared from their life i would feel pretty special

why cant anyone understand that maybe i changed?

and why cant people keep their comments about MY life to themselves?

today for the first time
since anyone, anyone!--friends, family, boyfriend....heard that i was gonna have a baby
said that i wasnt gonna be a good mother...
and would you guess who??
someone i dont even half ass know
someone that doesnt even half ass know me

my friends know that im gonna be a good mother
you know why?
because they know me and they see me everyday
my boyfriends family knows that im going to be a good mother
you know why?
because they know i can be a good wife..they know i am a good person and that i know how to take care of the people that i love...they know that i am smart and that i can work hard
my dad knows that i will be a good mother
and do you know the fuk why??!!
because i had a shit mother
a piece of shit, druggie for a mom
i had a mother that was never there
and i know EXACTLY
EXACTLY how
NOT to be like her....
and i had a dad
that was a drunk
and hit me all the time
and i know EXACTLY how
NOT to be like him

but i also know that my dad worked his ass off everyday to give me food and to give me a place to sleep at night
and i know that my dad worked his ass off so bad that when i turned 9 years old he bought us a house to live in...
a nice ass house at that...
and my dad taught me a lot...
he taught me how to work hard and that if i went to school and made something for myself i could have it even better than he had it...

and you know what-
i go to school...i got my diploma...
im in college and im a little more than half a year away from being a registered nurse and transfering to USC,
i am a little more than half a year away from making a lot more money then some people will ever see in their whole lifetime
and you know what else
i have a job and i save my money,
i have credit,
and im less than 6 months from having my own place...
with no roomates!
my OWN place

i know how to cook,
i know how to clean,
i know how to be funny and play,
i know how to change a diaper,
and i know how to fix a boo boo...

and i am only 18
i only just turned 18
yeah i might not have a dad for my baby
but my baby has a lot of people that want it in their life... i have a lot of friends that want to be a aunt or uncle to my baby...that will be there for me and my baby
i have guy friends that will be a father figure to my baby
and i have a mom and a dad that are excited as hell to have a grandbaby in thier life
i have myself
that will be a hell of a mom to my child
i have myself
that knows where she is going
that is building a future
i have myself

and who else do i fuckin need to be a good mom?
who else do i fuckin need for anything?

yeah thats right
and how many of you
that have so much shit to talk about me
can say you have all that?

<3
<3

Thu, 30 Jan 2003 19:44:31 GMT

Is so crazy to me how a song can remind you so much of a person, where you really came from and the things that you have been throug.
I know that everyone seems to think that their problems are the worst ones in the world and that they have been through wayy more shiet than anyone else they know has been through
but when i hang out with the friends i have now, i feel like they arent on my level and they just never will be.
their state of mind is so far from mine and i dont think they have enough life left to live to go through some of the things ive gone through so far.
but i also know these are the type of friend my dad always wanted me to have..."the good friends" ...the type of friends i had in junior high but i gave up for the type of friends i had as a freshman...the type of friends i had when i first moved to hollywood but i gave up for randy and his friends...now im just trying to convince myself not to give them up now and go back to being introuble...not to go back to my "bad friends"
cuz everytime i give up the "good friends" i find my self struggling to do all the good things i missed out on like school....and i find myself trying to make the "good friends" back again
i know my problems arent the worst in the world and there are people out there who have gone through the same shit and even worse than i have but i still think that my problems are big and much worse than my friends
i mean they worry about how late they are gonna come home on saturday night or if their moms are gonna let them borrow the car to go to the party
and me,
i worry about how im gonna feed myself and my kid tomorrow
i worry about getting jumped by my ex boyfriends rival gangs
i have to worry about where i walk in this city
i have to worry about every choice i make in my life everyday for the rest of my life because those choices are not only gonna effect me but my child too

i have just realized no one in this world knows how i have really truly lived my life and what i have done just to get thru the day without being hungry and maintaing a roof over my head maybe even for one night
no one knows but me
because i dont tell anyone
maybe because most people would talk
and they wont like me anymore
and those are the things i have worry about but
no one knows everything i have done just to make it as far as i have come
and the only person who comes even close to knowing is randy
becuase he was there
when we had no where to sleep and it was too cold to sleep in the car he was there robbing the liquor store with me to get a hotel room
when we were hungry who was there with me to jack food for us both
he was...
and thats me?
that life is for me?
as stupid as it sounds
i dont want some nice guy
and some nice life
i dont want a stock broker or a doctor
i want someone that i know will make it without me and not cry about being alone
i want someone that will pull thru for me and survive out there when they know there is no one else there for them
i want someone who knows just how hard it is to carry on when no one loves you
and randy was that
but he was also the one who left me right back in the same spot i didnt want to come to
he is also the one who gave me empty promises and broke my heart
so here i am again
trying to talk to other guys but for some reason i am finding something wrong with all of them just like when i used to date
i wish i had randy back because i didnt have to look any further than him...
for anything i ever needed
he was just what i dreamed about when i was growing up
what judy and i used to stay up all those late nights talking about
the type of guy to show you love
and the type of guy to make you feel like his queen and no one else in this world mattered
but at the same time be down for you if you see a bitch you have beef with
but at the same time to carry your homie that just got shanked to the hospital when the cops are chasing you
i dont know if i will ever find another guy like him
but if i do
it will all be the same and i will end up right where i am now
cheated on and having a baby that the daddy dont want
by myself and depending on no one
again
cuz when you look at every gangsters relationship,
their all the same
and you just have to know when you chose to get with that type of guy...
you just gotta know what to expect...
what your getting in to
cuz when you chose to get with a guy like that your chosing the life you lead
now i have to deal with all the heartache
and the staying up late nights crying
because i miss something i dont need
i miss something i used to be smart enough to know not to need
and it makes me mad
that i let it happen to myself
and i remember someone telling me when i first randy...that he was going to be a real ass hole...and things were going to turn out bad with this guy...
and i remember this person telling me that they dont wanna tell me who to get with but to please not get with randy... to get with a guy that was going to like me for me and treat me right...
and i should have listened.
i really should have listened
i guess what im trying to say is that i can choose to be worring for the rest of my life... staying up late crying at night, wondering where my boyfriend is and if hes ok
going out with the homies and getting high everynight
getting arrested almost everynight on the boulevard for nothing
living in the ghetto
going in and out of jail for the rest of my life
doing everything for my man and getting cheated on
having to deal with all the bitches calling my house and paging my boyfriend
being with the type of guy and homies I want
or
hanging out with people i dont know will back me up if im getting jumped
hanging out with pretty girly girls
going to college to get a future
having friends that have brunch on sundays and eat dinner as a family everynight
getting married to a nice guy that adores me
having a nice house in the hills
but looking out my window every night wishing i had him
and those other type of friends
wishing i led the other type of life...
i have to chose to be bad and do wrong
or be good and do well...
the choice seems so easy doesnt it

<3
<3

Mon, 27 Jan 2003 22:33:57 GMT

ok today i woke up at my usual time and decided to sleep in until my first period was over (10:05) so that I could have a chance to finish my homework that was due today cuz my teacher doesn’t accept it late. i was just going to tell my teacher that i had a doctors appointment and that’s why i couldn’t make it to class.
Everything was going fine until I got out of the shower and realized my friend was still sleeping and her mom had left a message asking her to go pick her sisters up and take them to school.
So we had to go over there and she had to get her sisters ready for school and we didn’t end up leaving until 10:00.
I drove fast and we got there at 10:04.
My friend went inside the school to drop off her sisters and she ended up taking 10 fucking minuets!!!
What the fuck
10 minuets??
I ask her for one thing!!
So simple!!
And she fucks it up by taking 10 minuets to drop those girls off!!!
I should have left her ass there
And made the bitch walk….
Anyhow,
I didn’t say shit to her because I didn’t feel like arguing with the bitch and
We ended up getting to school at 10:19 because we had to look for parking which wasn’t too hard-thank god
And when I got to my first period, the teacher was already gone
Of course!
I should have fucking knew it!
I could have fucking guessed!
I am never gonna ask my friend for anything again-which was my first mistake
And I am never gonna do shit for her again
This isn’t the first time nor the second for that matter that this shiet or something similar has happened.
So now that’s the second homework assignment I have failed to turn in.
I have to ace the test tomorrow or else

On the other hand,
I got a 21 out of 30, which is a B- or a C+ on my economics test on Friday
Its not too good but it is an improvement from my last test, which I got a 17 (D-).
Both my friends got F’s.
And they were talking in class again today
The whole period…
I bet they didn’t even hear a word the teacher said.
I don’t know why they even come to class.
They should just stay home-
they would learn just about as much there as they do in class.
I would think that their test scores and what their moms are gonna say about their F’s in that class would motivate them just a little to listen in class or study at all but there again I was wrong.
I don’t know why I care so much
I should just worry about my own grade and find a new seat in that class.

Last night was horrible
My ex boyfriend’s cousin, david, paged me
I called him back and we bullshitted for about 15 minuets about how some girl came by his house and brought a little girl almost 3 years old saying that was his daughter…
He said he was going to pretend like it never happened and not take care of the little girl or talk to the mom ever again.
That sounds pretty familiar doesn’t it….
Then out of nowhere:
David: “my cousin had a hard time saying it but he kinda told me that he doesn’t want me talking to you anymore because you guys are arguing”

***We’re not arguing…
We’re past fucking arguing
Actually…
I’m about to kill the son-of-a-bitch!!***

Rachel: “so you’re not going to talk to me anymore?”
David: “no, just come by and drop off the CD you said you were gonna make for me and the pictures that we took at Santa Monica”
Man what the fuck…
This foo thinks I’m going to make him a CD and go drop it off along with pictures we took at Santa Monica pier which I paid for…
Ha!
Yeah right!
Yeah fucking right!!!
I should have expected this from Randy’s cousin
He is part of that family isn’t he?
When David was locked up for 2 years and when I didn’t even know him, never even met the guy, who was the one sending him money?
Not Randy!
ME!!
It was me…
like a dumb ass, it was me!
And when no one else was writing him letters while he was in jail, who did??
And who made his own cousin write to him?
ME!!
And why?
Why the fuck would I do something like this?
Because I am a good person?
Because I have a good heart and because I loved my boyfriend?
Or because I’m an idiot?
It’s ok tho…
It’s alright,
this foo wants to stop talking to me just because his cousin says so…
and his cousin doesn’t want his own baby or his girl that was there for him when no one else was…
Alright
Coo
That’s it…
So many times I promised myself to cut this low life off and out of my life
And what happened last night was it for me
I wont ever talk to those mutherfuckers again in my whole life
And I know god will give them whats coming to them cuz they fucked with me too long and god can see my heart and what I was trying to do.
And I hope god gives me strength when my baby is born…
not to have to tell my baby what a fucked up ass hole his daddy is and why he isn’t around

<3
<3

college parties=good fun

Sun, 26 Jan 2003 06:01:30 GMT

i went to my first frat party last night
it was the first time i have been out in about a year
seriously
but i had very much fun
uh huh
yes i did
tonight i was invited to go to a club which would be my first 'not a rave' club
but i decided to stay home...
and be pregnant
like a good girl

i talked to 2 people today that i thought i would never talk to again in my whole life
and i bet those conversations ment more to me than they could have ment to anyone else in the whole world

and im still waiting for a certain someones "later time."
i would not have taken the time to write to someone saying sorry nor taken the time to care what they would have said back if it was a fake apology. it was very hard for me to write that letter and since i know how bad i screwed things up, it took me about 6 months to get the guts to write it which i dont think they realize. but maybe now that i think about it...i dont deserve much realization on the other persons part. shiet how are they to know that i am serious when i fucked everything up so much before.

today i painted my nails...they look nice
i feel so pretty
...oh so pretty
:)
i also made a cheesecake with strawberries on top... its very good

where is my friend?
she is suppost to be home from work already...
unless she went to the party...
but who knows since i have been online forever she was probably trying to call

i should go
i should get offline and go spend my time more constructively...
like watchin tv
or eating
yes eating...cuz i am hungry....again..

i have a doctors appointment on monday but i also have to go to the library on monday and study for my test on tuesday
so i think im going to move my appointment to wednesday.
i hope they are gonna be able to tell me if my baby is a boy or a girl or not by this appointment.
i want a boy
but i will have fun dressing up the girl and doing her hair so i kinda want a girl tho
i dunno...just as long as he/she is healthy. thats all

...no one has paged me
:(

i wonder how evan is doing...

ok ok time to eat

<3
<3
racho(O.O)o

yipeeee

Wed, 15 Jan 2003 21:36:48 GMT

the day before yesterday i heard my baby's heartbeat
and yesterday i saw the very first picture of my baby ever!!!
its so so so small.
its so cute!!
it was sucking its thumb
i wanted to cry i was so happy
it was one of those moments i will never forget
im going to send one of the pictures to my dad since the nurse gave me like 5 because i was in the waiting room so long
i guess she was trying to compensate for it or something but it was really nice!!
i dont know what its going to be yet but i kinda hope for a boy
but i would love a girl also so i dont know! :)
i think my dad would like a grandson too...

i have a test in econ tomorrow
oh man that class is sooo hard!
i got a B on my math test yesterday so im happy about that but
the two friends that have my econ class with me are pissing me off!
they talk all durring class, which is getting me in trouble cuz they sit next to me *my teacher calls us the dynamic trio cuz they talk so loud* then they copy my notes and homework, and complain all day about how they dont understand anything

and i found out how hard it is to get in to UCLA today
hopefully they accept my application
i need luck

ok i will go make macaroni and cheese now :)

<3
<3
rachO

throw your hands in the air....

Fri, 10 Jan 2003 22:47:32 GMT

my friends mom had the book that i thought i needed for math
buuut....
today i found out that its the same book but for intermediates - not the one i need
it made me so mad...it was the same colors, the same length and everything...and i kinda felt stupid when i pulled out my book in class and i was looking for a problem and i couldnt find it cuz on my page 32 the problem numbers only go up to 124 but everyone elses go to 186.
oh yeah
starting off college good...

so i no longer have a book for math
but i scoped out my schools student store and im pretty sure i can steal one
im trying not to do bad things anymore *one of them being stealing* but i think in this case i might be forgiven since it is to better my knowledge...oh who knows

in economics my friend didnt show up to class today and she had my book..so i had to try to look at a girls who was sitting next to me and now i barely understang my homework which is due on monday
i need to find an economic web site that is really good at listing the annual inflation, unemployment, interest rates and all that good stuff
i even called my dad and he gave me some web sites but those werent even much help...

my boy problems are over now
yey

i tried to email someone *key work being *tried* but that person didnt feel like trying back i guess
oh well

this weekend i am going to santa cruz for some fun
me and my girls are gonna rent a car and a hotel and everything
i wonder how it will be...ive never been there and im not even quite sure why were going exactly but yea...funfunfunfun

Wed, 08 Jan 2003 16:36:44 GMT

today ...actually right now after writing this entry... i am going to take a really big chance that i might regret but i think that its worth trying.
so here goes...
im going to send someone i havent talked to in a very long while an email...
it might not sound much to anyone else but to me yes...
because i think this person hates me but yea
i have decided its worth a try

<3
<3

another one bites the dust

Tue, 07 Jan 2003 23:45:17 GMT

OMG i have so many boy problems...
so many life problems...
like always

tomorrow is going to be a very difficult day for me
and i dont quite know what to do about it
but i do know that i am going to have to lie
and if i dont or it doesnt work
im probably going to lose the only friend/exboyfriend i have left
even tho he isnt a very good one
and i cant quite decided if i even need him as a friend
or if i even want him as a friend because he has done a lot of bad things to me
but i guess that im just holding on to him because i know that i have no one else in the whole wide world
and the decision i make tomorrow is going to effect me for the rest of my life and i know it
i guess thats why its so hard
and i guess i have to think of something
and fast

and i have no money for my books
my fuckin books for school
over 200 dollars
and i only have 2 classes

i have to go and think of what to do
maybe ill call evan now
but he probably wont be home

<3
<3
rachO

woooweeee

Sun, 05 Jan 2003 20:43:52 GMT

... its hard to give up something that was such a big part of my life for such a long time

i miss everyone but that seems all too familiar
i look at my life now and i dont talk to anyone that i did exactly one year ago and i havent quite decided if thats a good thing or not

tomorrow i start college!
yea i finally graduated high school 2 months ago...something my dad or myself thought would never happen but
im very excited! so nursing school here i come!!

i wonder how everyone is doing and how their lives are going

i know i did a lot of things that set certain peoples lives back or ruined them for a short time *whatever whoever wants to call it* but i wonder if those people that i think about would kindly care to drop me a reply as to how they are doing
and i also wonder if those people even know who they are

um for whatever its worth..
im sorry
and if its worth nothing to anyone
at least they know that its there
..or that it was offered

<3
<3
rachO ;)

Thu, 25 Apr 2002 18:27:01 GMT

I think thigs are gonna be better now
I am not stressing about anything anymore
I probably have SAID this before
but now
it's really happening
and I'm happy
I'm happy I don't care anymore
about certain things
like Heather and Eddy
I'm soo happy I am not worried about that anymore
I constantly stressed about that shiet
everyday
which was so stupid
cuz I knew deep down what was going on...
but these past couple days
I really seriously haven't cared
and I'm glad now that I can finally be friends with Heather
and nothing will be in the way
I don't hate Heather
just for the record
cuz I know a lot of people think I do
just understand how hard it is for her and I
I'm sorry Heather
I'm glad I'm not stressing
about finding a place anymore
I'm glad I talked to Steve about that
Everyday it sucks to wonder where you will have to sleep tomorrow
*well not exactly tomorrow*
but hopefully everyone knows what I mean
so I'm not worried about that anymore
I was wondering if I would make a good supervisor of my job
and yesterday my boss told me I was doing a wonderful job
It's niiice to be happy again

I hope when I die
I come back to this world as a bird
so I can fly free
free as a bird
and if I see someone I really don't care for
I can drop a hot one on 'em....
sukkahs!
haha
:)

<3
<3

Thu, 25 Apr 2002 09:19:10 GMT

I'm at Aaron's house
I had a looong talk with Steve and I needed it
I needed to know what he told me
*Steve if you are reading this please don't forget to call me tomorrow*
I had a short little talk with Heather which I needed but I got no where
I hope later she talks to me tho
I got to see Aaron's new puppy: just a reminder of how much I need a cute puppy!!
I'm glad I get to hang out with Aaron...
I just got thrown on the bed
I told Aaron I would beat him up...I'd use my stelth like moves and whoop his ass
so, he picked me up and threw me down
haha
he's like where's your stealth like moves now eh?
I said ohh shiet..I used them already
I hit you so hard and so fast your numb
you didn't even see me hit you my moves are so quick
ok I'm having fun
for like the first time in how long??
funn...
:)
Encino Man is on
I'm going to go watch
and forget about how horrible the things I found out today are
and have some more fun :)

<3
<3